Chalk Monkeys.

They’re real, and they walk among us. It takes a practiced eye to spot them, but once you know the signs they are unmistakable. The first thing to look for is a bar, either olympic or power lifting, that has had several ounces of chalk ground relentlessly into the knurling. Scientists have been unable to explain why Chalk Monkeys exhibit this singular trait, but it defines them and they can’t stop themselves.

Maybe it’s a mating ritual. I only recently witnessed the behavior firsthand, and unfortunately I didn’t have my phone ready so they got away. Fortunately I got a good look at them and was able to recreate their practices, more or less faithfully:

Simulated Chalk Monkey.

While we don’t know exactly WHY Chalk Monkeys perform this ritual, I have conducted exhaustive field research and was able to find several good reasons for all of us to come together and stop the madness:

- I talked to Kirk Woolfolk about this outlandish practice. For those who haven’t met him, Kirk is the head strength coach at the U.S. Naval Academy. You may have heard of their football team. He also coached his daughter Natalie to a spot on the U.S. Weightlifting team at the 2008 Olympics. Kind of a big deal. His son in law is the son of his close friend Mike Burgener, the Crossfit Olympic Lifting subject matter expert.

Kirk is an authoritative source on weightlifting, agreed? So Kirk said, and I quote verbatim “I’ve seen a few dumbasses do that and I can’t explain it. They should stop.” Kind of ambiguous, but read between the lines and you’ll see his point.

- Magnesium carbonate (chalk) is an inert substance that is very dry. When properly used, by non-Chalk Monkeys, it is ground very deliberately into the load bearing area of the hands. It’s purpose is to prevent sweating, and therefor promote a drier, more reliable grip under load. When Chalk Monkeys have their way with a bar, their hands are inadequately protected and they sweat. This mixes with the preposterous amount of chalk on the bar and forms a thick paste that is difficult to remove.

A popular theory behind this behavior is that the knurling on a bar is uncomfortable on the delicate hands of Chalk Monkeys. If you see one, tell them it will be okay and they will eventually toughen up and adapt.

- If you don’t see the tell-tale bars that Chalk Monkeys leave in their wake, look on the floor for two large, inexplicable white blotches that someone else will have to sweep up. This spoor is also a hallmark of a Chalk Monkey infestation.

This condition, although disturbing and silly, is not irreversible. If we all pay attention and show some compassion, we CAN cure the Chalk Monkeys.

Will you help?