Chalk Monkeys.
They’re real, and they walk among us. It takes a practiced eye to spot them, but once you know the signs they are unmistakable. The first thing to look for is a bar, either olympic or power lifting, that has had several ounces of chalk ground relentlessly into the knurling. Scientists have been unable to explain why Chalk Monkeys exhibit this singular trait, but it defines them and they can’t stop themselves.
Maybe it’s a mating ritual. I only recently witnessed the behavior firsthand, and unfortunately I didn’t have my phone ready so they got away. Fortunately I got a good look at them and was able to recreate their practices, more or less faithfully:
Simulated Chalk Monkey.
While we don’t know exactly WHY Chalk Monkeys perform this ritual, I have conducted exhaustive field research and was able to find several good reasons for all of us to come together and stop the madness:
- I talked to Kirk Woolfolk about this outlandish practice. For those who haven’t met him, Kirk is the head strength coach at the U.S. Naval Academy. You may have heard of their football team. He also coached his daughter Natalie to a spot on the U.S. Weightlifting team at the 2008 Olympics. Kind of a big deal. His son in law is the son of his close friend Mike Burgener, the Crossfit Olympic Lifting subject matter expert.
Kirk is an authoritative source on weightlifting, agreed? So Kirk said, and I quote verbatim “I’ve seen a few dumbasses do that and I can’t explain it. They should stop.” Kind of ambiguous, but read between the lines and you’ll see his point.
- Magnesium carbonate (chalk) is an inert substance that is very dry. When properly used, by non-Chalk Monkeys, it is ground very deliberately into the load bearing area of the hands. It’s purpose is to prevent sweating, and therefor promote a drier, more reliable grip under load. When Chalk Monkeys have their way with a bar, their hands are inadequately protected and they sweat. This mixes with the preposterous amount of chalk on the bar and forms a thick paste that is difficult to remove.
A popular theory behind this behavior is that the knurling on a bar is uncomfortable on the delicate hands of Chalk Monkeys. If you see one, tell them it will be okay and they will eventually toughen up and adapt.
- If you don’t see the tell-tale bars that Chalk Monkeys leave in their wake, look on the floor for two large, inexplicable white blotches that someone else will have to sweep up. This spoor is also a hallmark of a Chalk Monkey infestation.
This condition, although disturbing and silly, is not irreversible. If we all pay attention and show some compassion, we CAN cure the Chalk Monkeys.
Will you help?
Although the chalk monkey epidemic is indeed, disturbing, even more disturbing is the amount of time that must have gone into formulating the post!
Although I have to admit – extremely damn funny. I will be saving that picture and it will be appearing in some video down the road
Hi my name is Craig and I am a chalk monkey. Its been 12 hours since I last chalked a bar. I know I have a problem but the chalk is just so damn good. The chalk stimulates the cells of both the central nervous system and the cardiovascular system. It works, essentially, by tricking the brain into thinking it’s been furnished with something pleasurable a feeling of strength. Mentally, I feel alert, energized, buzzing. It gives me a sudden burst of self-confidence before tackling a WOD. Physically, I feel ‘wired’ – clenched jaw, wide-eyed, dilated pupils. My heart rate, blood pressure and body temperature all tend to rise. I feel strong like bull!
I will promise to cut down on my chalk grinding use if the tree born species of the chalk monkey also promises to do the same. You know who are and you are also easy to spot. You chalk up your entire hand before jumping up and grabbing the fully taped pull-up bars leaving messy white hand prints and residue all over the substance that is there to help your grip whereby making it impossible to clean an requiring us to constantly re-tape the bars.
All hail the greatest of all supplements in the athletic community Vitamin-C
Help vitamin c withdrawal. Oklahoma sucks!
Very funny Case! I’ve witnessed this ritual. I think we may need to set some traps out.
I left my pen this morning after filling out a waiver for crossfit. If anyone at the 1130 or 1500 session sees it, please put it in the CFFM donation cup. It’s a silver pen with a soft grip engraved with Greggor Park II, USN. Thanks!
@ Dan R: clearly you don’t know how much history channel Casey watches. That probably took him 15 minutes and a cup of coffee.
Yep, that’s about right.
Everyone say hi to the rest of the CF world by the way, and look for this post on the affiliate blog at crossfit.com!
Hi Crossfitters far and wide, wassup?!
i might make that picture my background.
i’ve already ordered 8 foot tall posters for your living rooms. plenty to go around. it can be yours for just 4 low easy payments of $39.95!
Very nice Casey – I love it! If we’re not careful, the Chalk Monkeys will take over our gyms. Protect yourselves, everyone…you may be associating with a Chalk Monkey and not know it!
How am i supposed to add exponential weight for my arm curls without chalk on the bar?
Chalk your gloves?
Hi, my name is Furby and I’m a chalk monkey of the tree going type. I recently mimicked a chalk monkey of the ground going type and was caught, I believe the photo is a recreation of my actions. I am currently recovering from the errors of my ways and am two days clean from excessively chalking. When is it I get my first token again?